Holiday Tip #8 – Train Your Family

Holiday Tip #8 – Train your family well

Now that we are in November and the threat  promise of Christmas is looming on the horizon, you may be like me and be in the thick of the Holiday knitting.  There are however many weekends are left between now and the wonderful gift giving day (please for the love of all things good in the world do not tell me how many weekends that actually is.  I am very happy in my denial), and things are starting to need to be finished.  If you’re even a little more like me you are looking at your list and waffling madly between thinking that you can get everything finished on time and wanting to bury your head in the bottom of your yarn stash and sob hysterically at the thought of what’s still left.

This is the best time to train your family.  You need to make then understand what life is like being a holiday knitter.  So, here’s a helpful list of things that you can show to your family to make few weeks easier for you.

1.  If there are phones in your house, make sure that the non-knitters answer it and under no circumstances should you be interrupted to talk on the phone.  It does not matter what the person on the other end of the phone says.  They need to keep the phone away from you.  They are your gatekeepers.  This goes for pesky people at the door too.  Unless it’s the postman delivering more yarn, in which case you need to pounce on them, relieve them of the yarn,  and dismiss them as quickly as possible.

2.  Does anyone other than you cook?  If not, they need to learn.  Even a very young child with the IQ of a doormat can open a can of Zoodles, dump it into a bowl, and pop it in the microwave.  Get the kind with pull tops if your children haven’t got the motor control for can openers yet.   I survived my last 12 days of University on 6 cans of Zoodles (yes, all I could afford to eat was 1/2 a can of Zoodles a day) and it was good enough for me.  And while I wouldn’t recommend the “1/2 can/day of garbage in a can” for any long-term nutritional value, they won’t starve.  And for us ladies, it’s a pretty good weight loss tool.  Supplement in between meals with boiled water with sugar.  (I ran out of tea and instant coffee and couldn’t afford more.)

3. Remember that old wives’ tale we were told as children? (Or maybe it was just me.) About how you should always wear clean socks and underwear so that if you were ever in an accident you wouldn’t be embarrassed by dirty undies and holey socks?  Well, lets just put it out there.  Do you stink?  Are people fainting at the sight and smell of your children?  Are other people’s children fleeing in terror from the pungent odour of your spouse?  If not, then forgot the laundry.  You all probably have more clothes than the ones you are wearing right now at this very moment, and there is most likely someone other than you that can do laundry in your house.  And if they can’t, they’d best be learning.  Only when the dog won’t come near you for steak and the cat has been hiding in its litter box to avoid the smell for the last two days do you really need to worry about the laundry.

4. In the same vein as number three, your house is not going to collapse if you don’t dust, vacuum, or clean the kitchen.  I’ve been experimenting over the year with what is the correct offering to the Kitchen Elves, but have yet to find it.  But one day I will wake up to a clean kitchen and when that day comes I will share it all with you.  The Kitchen Elves have been on strike for a really long time.  I hope that they can reach a collective bargaining agreement soon and get back to work.

5.  The only exception to number four is the garbage.  It has to go out.  That can not be ignored.  So here’s the key to that one: delegate, delegate, delegate.  I’m sure your spouse can carry it to the curb (leaving the bag in their favourite chair helps).  Your kids are too young?  Nonsense!  I am a teacher.  I see the amount of things that today’s child is forced to carry in a backpack.  A bag of garbage pales in comparison.  And most dogs are smart (okay not all dogs), but at least some dogs should be able to haul that bag out for you.  Huskies could probably do it.  They’re smart, and strong, and they love to be helpful.  It can be done. And not by you.

6.  Buy a Husky.  They’re pretty, and they have even more energy than Jack Russell Terriers.  They’re perfect for tiring out your kids and keeping strangers (or skittish friends and acquaintances) from crossing the lawn and ringing the doorbell.  Anyone who can’t make it past the Husky shouldn’t be interrupting your precious, precious knitting time anyway.  Also, they love the outdoors, pull on the leash too hard to be stopped by even a full-grown significant other, and are more or less immune to inclement weather.  Once your spouse has enlisted your children to try and catch it, the Husky will lead your family on a merry chase throughout the whole neighbourhood.  In all likelihood, they will not catch the Husky until it begins to notice the heat sometime around March and starts to slow down.  Presto!  The rest of your holiday knitting will be done in your dusty, can filled Knitterly Fortress of Solitude, as you shuffle about in your bathrobe muttering stitch counts under your breath.  Not actually having your family around for the holidays because they are three counties away playing the new dog’s favourite game ever is a small price to pay.

That’s all the tips for this week.  Tune in next week for tips on dog walking without garbage bags, maintaining a workout routine, and dealing with the accusation that you’re just no fun any more, and why is my chair full of garbage?

The Fine Print
The tips revealed in this blog are for entertainment value only, and do not represent the views or opinions of the blogger, the blog host, or indeed of any known living being. Certainly not any sane ones. The use of these tips indicates your acceptance that there is no warranty, express or implied, that following these tips will have any effect whatsoever on your level of holiday stress. This will all end in tears.
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8 responses to “Holiday Tip #8 – Train Your Family

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